Observations

As I moved the majority of my things out of my apartment today I struggled with the fact that my marriage is a few weeks from over. Reflecting on the memories that Josh and I had made was a torture I couldn't seem to avoid as I was packing or throwing things away. I had to accept that Josh is no longer a part of my life and I pushed myself to finally remove my wedding ring. I didn't want to do it but the symbol of that ring, the promises, have been destroyed. I have had to tell myself that that is what the ring was, a symbol of our promises, and that it is no longer appropriate for me to wear it since those covenants and promises are broken. I don't think I have ever felt so bare in my life as when I removed my ring. I can still see the imprint on my finger from wearing it for a year and two months. It felt like a betrayal, but what am I to do. I keep wondering what I did to cause my husband to stop loving me, to no longer want to come home to me and spend time with me? What did I do that was so terrible? I wonder if he thought me ugly because my skin freaked out with the different things I was having to try to try and get pregnant. I know it messed with my emotions but I never thought it was enough to cause the most important person in my life to leave me. Fear is trying to control me and I'm having a hard time fighting it off. People keep telling me it's not my fault and that I did everything I could but when the most significant person in your life finds reason to divorce you you can't help but wonder what you did that was so so wrong. I believe that I am strong and beautiful, that I deserve to be loved and valued, so why wasn't I? I worry that I am some monster that will ruin relationship after relationship though I can't see how I am capable of such a thing. I know that I have plenty of people who care for me because of the response that I have received from this blog but I fear that if anyone besides my family ever comes to love me above anything else that I will, somehow in someway that I can't fathom, cause them to fall out of love. I know God loves me but I still desire a love like my parents. My dad still adores my mother like he did when they first met. Am I ridiculous to dream of such love? Does it make me naive? Now don't get me wrong. I am happy. I will be happy even if I end up alone (though I don't believe that I will). I am grateful with how things have worked out so that I don't have to live through a loveless marriage, but even if I had I would have been happy. I have a home and family and friends who care deeply for me and that is more than many others can say. I just deeply desire to have that best-friend who would I could be a partner with and achieve our greatest dreams together. (Now for my positive affirmations) I am grateful that I now have a chance to find that love and friendship. I am thankful for the second chance that I have to find happiness. I know that God loves me and things will work together for my good (Not and affirmation since I do KNOW this part). Forgive me for being so back and forth with my feelings all the time. It is just me learning how to cope and survive that lonely time in my life; not that I'm lonely because I don't feel love and care from those around me, but because I have lost it from the person that I become one with. Thank you again, all of you, for the prayers. I would be a lost little duckling without them. Remember that you are important to me and that you are helping my pull through this. It lifts a great weight off of me to write this blog and to help others see that even when life isn't how you want it to be there is still so much to be thankful for and also to let them know that they aren't alone in the feelings they are experiencing. It brings me hope that I can help someone and it helps encourage me to be strong if I feel like and example. The end of yet another novella.