Session No. 3

This past Thursday I had my third counseling session with, Jennifer James. I am happy to announce that we think I may only need one or two more sessions! Jennifer says that I am doing wonderfully with applying the atonement in my life and that it is helping me to heal very quickly. Our next session or two will just be to make sure that I haven't forgotten anything and that I cover everything. We're working on taking all the hurtful things that happened in my marriage and tossing them away so that they can no longer bother me. I'm also learning to accept my feelings and value them for what they are. If I'm bothered by something that triggers a memory from my marriage and I feel upset I am to let myself feel that, but I am also to step back and look at how I am reacting; is it too much or too little. Feelings are part of who you are and that is part of the reason it is so important to feel them. I feel so lucky that I have had the opportunity to meet with, Jennifer, and to have her help me make sure I am covering all the bases of healing. I also gave Jennifer a bit of a shocker, though she was glad that I did what I did. I wrote an apology to Josh and his mother and asked for their forgiveness. I wasn't apologizing for the divorce or claiming that it was my fault, but I did acknowledge the strain that I have said things that I shouldn't have. See, words have power and even though I may not be speaking to them directly when I say something unkind or complain I project feelings onto the listener. I know that I have caused, by my words, others to be upset with Josh or Lisa and it is not my place to do so. We all have our faults. So, my goal is to learn to have a tighter rein on my tongue and not complain and speak kind words of others. I pray that now that I may obtain forgiveness of my words. I apologize to any of you to whom I complained. It was not kind of me; it was enormously selfish. I know now that if I need to vent I need to turn to the Lord and that if there is something I really do need to discuss with someone I need to pray first that I may be able to communicate clearly and that a spirit of peace will be there. I am grateful for the peace that I have received since I wrote and sent those letters. If I had to choose to do it again, I would.

Things That I Have Discovered (or rediscovered) I Love

1. Camping with friends 2. Finding antique furniture in random places that I'm absolutely in love with 3. Finding new piano music that's fun to play 4. Knowing that I've been able to help someone 5. Church indexing 6. Always having my bed made 7. Sewing 8. Walks by the lake once the sun has set watching the water and the stars 9. A good conversation 10. A good book 11. A fun game 12. Going to the Symphony 13. Singing with someone that can sing well or play the piano well 14. When a student tells me that I have helped them come to love music 15. When people feel the spirit when I sing 16. When people take care of their teeth and have good hygiene (I really do love this) 17. Family dinners 18. Late night chats with my roommates 19. Chocolate... to a dangerous level :) 20. Getting a call or text from someone you've been thinking about 21. S'mores with peanut butter 22. Smiling 23. Watching a movie with someone you care about 24. A baby's laugh 25. Watching little kids in church 26. A moment of spiritual enlightenment 27. Smooth shaved legs 28. Going shooting 29. How I feel like my Dad loves me most! 30. A clean kitchen

Why I Want To Do Midwifery

Some people have expressed some interest in why I'm doing midwifery and why. So as I think of things that may be of interest I'll try to post them. I am doing a midwifery apprenticeship where once I have completed the requirements I will be able to be licensed midwife. There's not a definite time on how long it will take, but I'm hoping it won't take me more than a couple years if I get under a few different midwives. I'm really excited about doing this. I have always loved children and babies and the more I learn about pregnancy and the labor and delivery process the more I want to be a midwife. Women deserve to have the option to have their labor and delivery the way THEY want it. Pregnancy is not an illness. It is a beautiful natural process. I want to be able to help women understand their bodies and the options that they have as a woman about to have a baby. I think it's a good thing that we have hospitals, but I don't think it is a good thing with the majority of labors. Hospitals are for emergencies and the large majority of births are not emergencies. Many doctors actually cause the problems that cause a labor to be risky. I want women to be educated in their decision and not to feel forced by a doctor telling them things to freak them out to manipulate them in the path that is easiest and most convenient for the doctor. I think one of the reasons there is so much fear about pregnancy and delivery is that woman are scared. They don't understand what is going on and that it is natural. We as humans naturally fear what we do not understand. Another reason I want to do midwifery is if there was a ever a disaster that made hospitalized birth not possible that I could step in and know how to handle pregnancy and delivery without all the modern technology we have now. Anyway, there are tons more reasons, but here's a short little blurb for ya :)

Counseling Session No. 2

It's time to write about my counseling session :) To tell you straight off my counselor is fantastic. I never thought I would say that about any counselor, but here I am, publishing it for the world to see. She wanted me to start what we were to talk about and I didn't really know where to begin, so she asked me about out previous session. I just smiled at her and chuckled as I said that I thought it was funny that she had me take a co-dependency test. Her response was that I obviously wasn't but many women my age were. That made me feel for women my age. SO to those women I say: Buck up! You don't NEED a man to feel complete and to be happy. Take charge of your life and your happiness! The more experiences I have in life the more it is confirmed to me that happiness is a decision. God wants us to be happy and he has provided us with multitudinous reasons to be happy. Now back to the counseling session... We talked more about my divorce and our goal was to figure out why exactly I was at counseling and what I wanted to accomplish by it. By the end we had done it! Here's my deal: I now struggle with trusting myself. I did everything I could to prepare myself for the marriage relationship and picking the correct partner. I didn't even kiss my ex until we were engaged because I wanted to be sure that I wasn't falling in love for physical reasons. I prayed and received confirmation about marrying Josh. We asked questions non-stop and even used one of those question books to make sure we weren't skipping over any important topics. So, my counselor finally realized that I DID do everything in my power to make a good decision when it came to marriage and that I really couldn't have done much more to assure me of the decision I was making and Josh still ended it and left me. Now my deal is that I don't really trust myself when it comes to making that decision again. A part of me does, but not all of me. So my counselor and I will be working on my regaining that assurance and confidence. The nice thing is that this whole thing seems correct. I'm not angry. I don't want Josh back. I just want to be able to trust myself in what I feel about relationships again. I CAN do it and I AM doing it and guess what, it makes me happy! I love myself and I'm gonna love myself more! (Not in a pigheaded way. In a healthy sort of way) Now, you love yourself too, not so much that people start to dislike you because you think you're the bee's knees, but enough that you remember that God created you and loves you too!

Labor Day Weekend and Random Tidbits

I've been a slacker, again. School schedule for work has started and it's going good! I wish it were still summer and that I would be done working by 3 everyday, but what can ya do? I hope to find a few more students before long. Labor Day weekend was absolutely fantastic!!! Friday, I went up to a friend's cabin and we had a camp fire and s'mores with peanut butter, again. I tell you if you haven't tried it you NEED to. We then laid out on the deck and looked at the stars. I LOVE to watch the stars, especially when I can see the milky-way. Seeing all of those stars is so awe-inspiring. We stayed at the cabin overnight and then my friend Jason took me to Swiss Days. It was fun to wander around and see all of the different booths. Sunday, was my little niece's baby blessing. If that little girl doesn't know I love her she should since I had to be up at 6:30 AM which I hardly ever do. We had a nice time at my sister-in-law's parent's house. Sunday night was fun as well. I had choir (I'm the choir director) and it went well and then I had a few people over to play games. I love ending my Sunday nights like that! Good friends and good conversation. Monday was wonderful!!! I went with my family to my sister's boyfriend's mom's house. Yeah try and swallow that sentence :) Anyway while there I got to ride horses and go 4-wheeling. I LOVE both of those things. We then had a BBQ and I got to sing with Tyler's (Kat's boyfriend) stepdad who is a wonderful tenor. It is such a happy thing to sing with someone who sings exceptionally well. In all the driving time I read 'The Scarlet Pimpernel' and thoroughly enjoyed that too!!! So all in all, life is going great! I play volleyball every Tuesday and Thursday which is a major stress reducer for me. Oh! I started my studies to begin a midwife! I'm enjoying studying all the different things about the body and am excited to be able to offer a different option than the hospital to women all over. Lastly, I've seen the counselor once and I'll be seeing her again tomorrow. Since it's only been one appointment there isn't too much to say. I'll let you know how things go when I bring myself to write. I hope all is well with all of you!