God Is Aware

Last week sometime during my scripture study I came upon a chapter that was deeply needed at the time. When I look back on those verses it offers me such beautiful knowledge that I can lift my head again. It is in Jacob, chapter 2, in the Book of Mormon and this is what it says: 2 Now, my beloved brethren, I, Jacob, according to the aresponsibility which I am under to God, to magnify mine office with soberness, and that I might rid my garments of your sins, I come up into the temple this day that I might declare unto you the word of God. 7 And also it grieveth me that I must use so much boldness of speech concerning you, before your wives and your children, many of whose feelings are exceedingly tender and chaste and delicate before God, which thing is pleasing unto God; 8 And it supposeth me that they have come up hither to hear the pleasing aword of God, yea, the word which healeth the wounded soul. 9 Wherefore, it burdeneth my soul that I should be constrained, because of the strict commandment which I have received from God, to admonish you according to your crimes, to enlarge the wounds of those who are already wounded, instead of consoling and healing their wounds; and those who have not been wounded, instead of feasting upon the pleasing word of God have daggers placed to pierce their souls and wound their delicate minds. 23 But the word of God burdens me because of your grosser crimes. For behold, thus saith the Lord: This people begin to wax in iniquity; they understand not the scriptures, for they seek to excuse themselves in committing whoredoms, because of the things which were written concerning David, and Solomon his son. 24 Behold, David and aSolomon truly had many wives and concubines, which thing was abominable before me, saith the Lord. 25 Wherefore, thus saith the Lord, I have led this people forth out of the land of Jerusalem, by the power of mine arm, that I might raise up unto me a righteous branch from the fruit of the loins of Joseph. 26 Wherefore, I the Lord God will not suffer that this people shall do like unto them of old. 27 Wherefore, my brethren, hear me, and hearken to the word of the Lord: For there shall not any man among you have save it be one wife; and concubines he shall have none; 28 For I, the Lord God, delight in the chastity of women. And whoredoms are an abomination before me; thus saith the Lord of Hosts. 29 Wherefore, this people shall keep my commandments, saith the Lord of Hosts, or cursed be the land for their sakes. 31 For behold, I, the Lord, have seen the sorrow, and heard the mourning of the daughters of my people in the land of Jerusalem, yea, and in all the lands of my people, because of the wickedness and abominations of their husbands. 32 And I will not suffer, saith the Lord of Hosts, that the cries of the fair daughters of this people, which I have led out of the land of Jerusalem, shall come up unto me against the men of my people, saith the Lord of Hosts. 33 For they shall not lead away captive the daughters of my people because of their tenderness, save I shall visit them with a sore curse, even unto destruction; for they shall not commit whoredoms, like unto them of old, saith the Lord of Hosts. 35 Behold, ye have done greater iniquities than the Lamanites, our brethren. Ye have broken the hearts of your tender wives, and lost the confidence of your children, because of your bad examples before them; and the sobbings of their hearts ascend up to God against you. And because of the strictness of the word of God, which cometh down against you, many hearts died, pierced with deep wounds. My goal in posting this is not that you might think I want Josh to be punished or that he cheated on me. I don't really know what happened, I just know that he abandoned me and has broken my heart like I never thought was possible. What I love about these verses is that it states that though men may break our hearts by not being true to us, getting into pornography, having thoughts about other women, whatever it may be, that He, God, is aware of us, ME, and how my heart is hurting and that He isn't happy about it. God knows every tear I have shed over this matter. He loves me!!! He loves me because I am His daughter and I have desired and tried to follow His commandments. Satan tries to get me to question whether or not God hears my prayers. I know He does but now I REALLY know it :) So to all of you women out there with broken hearts because of the actions of your husbands or fathers PLEASE realize that God hears your prayers and He is upset about your broken hearts. He wants you to be treated like the queen you are to become. What wonderfully good news!

Another Day

Another day full of feelings I really don't know how to express. I've been waiting for the papers in the mail declaring the divorce to be final. They didn't come today though I thought they would since my sister told me that Josh had changed his status on facebook to 'single'. Once I found that out I thought the papers would find their way here today because I don't think that Josh would have done that unless it was all final. Well, with all the thoughts on my mind about getting the papers I realized I was quite sad and anxious about it. Once I have those papers it is all final. I'll have lost my husband and I'll be single again. It's hard because I still love him. A part of me is wishing that I was still fighting for my marriage... even though I know I couldn't change Josh's mind. I never wanted to give up. I never wanted to let him go. I just really didn't have a choice. Yes, I could have dragged things out and made it so he would have had to go through counseling, but I know that it wouldn't have made a difference so it would have just been a breeding ground for more pain. I signed those papers because I love him and because it is what he truly wanted and what he believed would make him happy. I sincerely hope that he is happy and that he isn't suffering from this ache. It is something I would never ever with upon anyone. I'm just so grateful (again) that we didn't have any children to spread this pain around on. It is a tender mercy of God, not necessarily for me but for whomever that child would have been. Anyway, concerning the papers, I want them to hurry and come so this anxious waiting (not good anxious) can come to an end. I'm not excited for the finality they bring but this waiting is a torture all on its own. At least I have faith and hope for things to come. That is much more than many people can say and therefore I consider myself very lucky. There is still beauty in the world, goodness, happiness, and blessings that cannot be numbered. The sun always rises and I always have a loving Father in Heaven watching out for me as well as countless people I see everyday that make life worth is for their love and friendship.

Apology

Wow. I realized yesterday that I was doing something I shouldn't be doing. I have been speaking to a handful of people about the relationship I had with Josh and saying more then I should. I justified doing this because I was hurting and I thought that if people knew the truth about things and what happened in our relationship it was okay. I realize now that it is not. Though very soon Josh and I will no longer be married those things that happened are a part of our relationship and in that relationship I was his wife. I have no right to speak of our marriage (especially details) to others even if the things mentioned may be true. There used to be a trust between us and those many experiences happened during that time of trust. Just because that trust is now gone doesn't mean I can divulge whatever I feel like ranting about. I apologize to all of you if I have said anything to you that I shouldn't have. I realized that I wouldn't want Josh telling personal things about me to his close family or friends. Though things have not worked out the way I would have liked them to I still need to respect Josh as a person. I apologize for being so selfish and excusing it because of all the pain that is inside. I hope and ask that those who know particulars as to what happened will keep them to themselves. It would be wonderful to receive help from all of you too! If I start to spew forth information that does not need to be shared, please, give me a gentle reminder. It will also help me to move on if you do so. Again, I apologize for my inappropriateness.

Truth and Forgiveness

Today was a day that I had been dreading since Josh gave me the divorce papers. See, I am in my parents ward now and Josh's father, Kermit, is the high councilman for the ward. I wasn't exactly sure how everything was going to go over. I walk in a few minutes late and my family sits in the front so I had to walk past everyone and I ended up sitting directly across from him with one pew between us. Since he is in the high council he was on the podium and I knew I would have to look him in the eye directly. I was not looking forward to it, but after the hymn finished I looked him in the eye and gave him a sad smile and he kept eye contact and mouthed "hi" gave me a sad smile and looked like he was holding back tears. Then and there I knew that I had truly forgiven Kermit for any part he may have played in me ending up getting divorced. My heart broke because I could see the sadness that was in him concerning me. Anyway, I ended up bearing my testimony of how God can heal a broken heart and bring you peace and also that the atonement is not only for those who have sinned, but those that are suffering. I bore of how forgiveness can bring peace into your life and once you have done so you can completely obtain the peace and comfort of the atonement. I do know that what I said is true because I have experienced it in my life though this trial. After sacrament Kermit took me by the hand and pulled me into a hug and told me that he would always love me. I knew that he was telling the truth. You can generally know when someone speaks the truth about such things and I will tell you it was a beautiful experience to hear that from him. I think my heart may be a little more broken today, but not in a bad way. It has broken in a way that has helped me learn to love and to forgive. Forgiveness is the ultimate balm to the soul.

Guilty Pleasure

OK, so this isn't my most gracious post but I had to post this music video. This is how I feel sometimes and what I want to say, but I know that it wouldn't be very kind of me. I guess it puts a smile on my face listening to it. I would never really wish any of these things on Josh, but I really can't help but smile. Here you go :) I think it may have a little trouble loading and I can't the video to fit the page, but if you click on it it will open in in youtube for you. Enjoy!

Enlightenment

I really should be in bed since I have to be up in less than six hours but I really wanted to write some of my feelings down about today. It may be that my heart is opened more now that I am going through the biggest trial of my life but I have never founds as much peace in General Conference as I did today. I received yet another reminder that fear is of the devil. At times I want to cling to my fear to feel safe, yet it is a false security. I have to continually remind myself that as long as I have faith in God and His Son that everything will work out for my good. I know also that if I want to find guidance about what to do in my life right now I need to seek for personal revelation. I cannot just expect God to lay everything out for me; I need to work for the blessings of God. Granted, God is always blessing me, but if I want Him to answer me or bless me in ways that I am not already being blessed I have to work for it. I have to prepare myself to hear His answers. He has granted me with peace but I know there is more for me. The second biggest reminder was that God heals us as we forgive others. I though before that I was doing a good job with this. I thought I had forgiven Josh and was doing pretty good on forgiving his parents. I realize now I hadn't. I still feel very bitter and betrayed by Josh at times and resentment for parts of his family. This is not forgiveness. I need to love them to forgive and (as God has promised) heal. I have determined that I will love them. It is not a perfect love but I'm going to try to make it that. I will love them though they may say terrible things about me. I will love Josh (granted not the type of love we had before) and forgive him for abandoning me and breaking all the lasting promises he made to me. I will do it and I am. The real test will come when I run into them at some random time but I'm preparing my heart for that moment. Lastly, the most wonderful message was about love. True love makes us reach out to God and in result other people. Let your will to love and do right be your reason to love and do right. If you truly desire to resist satan you can do it!!! True love does not let lust (of any type) enter your heart or mind, therefore, I need to truly love God. If I love God then I can love Josh and his parents. If I love God then I can love myself!