Another Day

Another day full of feelings I really don't know how to express. I've been waiting for the papers in the mail declaring the divorce to be final. They didn't come today though I thought they would since my sister told me that Josh had changed his status on facebook to 'single'. Once I found that out I thought the papers would find their way here today because I don't think that Josh would have done that unless it was all final. Well, with all the thoughts on my mind about getting the papers I realized I was quite sad and anxious about it. Once I have those papers it is all final. I'll have lost my husband and I'll be single again. It's hard because I still love him. A part of me is wishing that I was still fighting for my marriage... even though I know I couldn't change Josh's mind. I never wanted to give up. I never wanted to let him go. I just really didn't have a choice. Yes, I could have dragged things out and made it so he would have had to go through counseling, but I know that it wouldn't have made a difference so it would have just been a breeding ground for more pain. I signed those papers because I love him and because it is what he truly wanted and what he believed would make him happy. I sincerely hope that he is happy and that he isn't suffering from this ache. It is something I would never ever with upon anyone. I'm just so grateful (again) that we didn't have any children to spread this pain around on. It is a tender mercy of God, not necessarily for me but for whomever that child would have been. Anyway, concerning the papers, I want them to hurry and come so this anxious waiting (not good anxious) can come to an end. I'm not excited for the finality they bring but this waiting is a torture all on its own. At least I have faith and hope for things to come. That is much more than many people can say and therefore I consider myself very lucky. There is still beauty in the world, goodness, happiness, and blessings that cannot be numbered. The sun always rises and I always have a loving Father in Heaven watching out for me as well as countless people I see everyday that make life worth is for their love and friendship.