A Long Hard Night

Alright, I'm asking for forgiveness now incase this doesn't make much sense. It's nearly four in the morning and my eyes are barely open. Today felt like I was single again. i know it's not final yet, but it did. I worked for a few hours and then I went to visit a friend who had her baby a few days ago and ended up talking to her and her family for two hours. After that I went to another friends apartment because he is letting me store some of my furniture and such in his storage area for a little while and I went to check out the size and ended up talking to him and his roommate, which is another friend, for two hours. I haven't had that much time to talk to anyone since I met Josh. It honestly felt like the times from right before I met him. It was fun and I got laugh and be myself. It wasn't the most responsible thing to do since I had to pack up my whole apartment tonight, but it helped me realize all the wonderful friends I have and confirm yet again how many people care for me and are wanting to support me through this. They remind me of the hope that is out there for me that I will at some point be able to overcome this fear and lack of trust that is now me, that there is a man that will wait for me to pull out of that and will think that I'm worth it. I keep worrying that people especially men are going to think I'm just some weirdo (which we all know that I really am to a reasonable extent) and never want to speak with me again and ruin my chances of really getting to know someone. I want people to know that I'm real that I'm not trying to put on some show but this is who I am and that inside I'm hurting and it's going to take time to pull myself out of the protective mode I'm in. I got to experience it for a moment tonight. I packed my stuff in my apartment for eight hours tonight and just got home (consequences of being irresponsible) but while I was doing that I ran out of rubbermaids to pack my life into. So at like midnight I text an old friend that has always been there for me no matter what to see if he would go with me so Wal-Mart so I could finish packing tonight. Poor guy was studying like mad for some major tests, but he took the time to stop and join me for the time it took to run to Wal-Mart and get home. It's stupid little things like that that remind me that trudging on is worth it. There are people out there that are selfless and want to WORK at being a great friend. Anyway, today has been a day of friends and I am very grateful. You can stop reading now but I have to say that I hope you never have to pack everything you own in one night and that you procrastinated and then you have to move everything the next day because my back and feel are killing me! :) I really do hope that you never have to do it.