Day Three

Today was day three of knowing that I would be getting divorced. The morning started off okay but keeping composure got tougher as the day went on. I had a meeting with my bishop and I realized when I spoke with him that I still had a little shred of hope that Josh and I would be able to work all of this out. The bishop told me he was to speak with Josh later and he would let me know how it went and if there was any chance of Josh changing his mind. I was anxious for hours waiting for that call and when it came my stomach did one of those drops like when you're on a roller-coaster. It wasn't good news. He said that nothing he said would change Josh's mind to give it some more time and to not make such a big decision quite yet. It was then that I realized I'd been holding on to that sliver of hope this whole time. I was devastated. I broke down crying and then cried again at the dinner table and then after dinner and again tonight. That's why I'm typing this now. My heart feels like it has been ripped out of me and that I'm having to try to survive without it. I keep pleading with God to restore His peace to me once again. I know He will and that I have to let Him, but I just hurt so much. The pain is so great that at times I feel that I am going to lose my dinner and then at other times I just want to fall asleep until the pain is gone. In all honesty, I'm scared. I know I need to show greater faith in the Lord, but I really am. I'm scared to be single again. I'm afraid of being hurt by someone so close to me again. I'm afraid of my name being slandered. I guess this is all part of processing what I'm going through. I tend to be someone who thinks a little to far ahead and it can be a dangerous thing to do. I have to deal with now. I have to continue doing my best so that our Savior's Atonement can come into play and I can be healed. I know many others are suffering all types of pain and affliction. I am not alone and neither are you. We need to remember that suffering is for our benefit and not to punish us for our shortcomings. Yes, it is a lot easier to say than to act upon and believe, but you have to say it to help you on the path to believing it. People are selfish and will hurt us all through our lives; yes we have to have faith that they won't. We need others to be happy and we have to go out on a limb to show our faith in them. It builds trust and even if they push us down let us brush off the dirt and stand tall!