Final Steps Are Taken

Today I signed the divorce papers. It's an interesting feeling knowing that I have now consented to this divorce. I do believe that it is for the best. Now I get to do the waiting game and practice my patience and keep my sanity until this is all over. I haven't posted the last few days because after I got all sad I got angry. I was so upset and frustrated I figured I shouldn't post anything for fear of writing somethings that were harsh or inappropriate. I don't want to thrash Josh and his family. I need to take the high road. I do feel guilt at times with the satisfaction I find in saying something along the lines of, "Ugh, I want to go egg his car". No, there is no way I would ever do something like that even to a lesser or greater degree but the pent up anger and resentment does seem to lesson a bit when I think such awful little thoughts. So, I guess I now need to slap my hand, repent for such unkind thoughts, and ask God again for peace and comfort. I really am lucky to have as much peace as I do. I met with the counselor that Josh and I met with again last night to find some conclusion. I'm glad that I went. He has helped me to see that the sadness and anger and loneliness is all natural. He has also helped me see that I can't blame myself for this and that I DID do everything I could do to save our marriage. Sadly, he thought that with continual counseling we would have been able to work out our issues and have a happy marriage but to have done that Josh would have needed to come to counseling. Hopefully, I can now move on. I think I'll do better once I get all of my things out of our apartment. I get so sad and then angry seeing our pictures and finding wedding cards. There are also those drawers with little notes and cards from Josh and I have to throw them all away. It's not easy giving up all of those things from someone that you have loved. I struggled getting rid of all of our engagement and wedding pictures, because it was such a beautiful day. It was my dream wedding and now I have to toss it. I just have to keep telling myself again and again that this is for the best and that I'm really lucky to get out now before we have kids or to sit through a marriage where I feel worthless. At least I know that I'm not worthless in the Lord's eyes. I have a family that loves me and is supporting me... along with all of those countless friends who have sent me their prayers and love. I am not lonely in this life, not by a long shot. I could only have my God but I have a testimony of the atonement and wonderful family and friends. Thank you to all of you for remembering me and being concerned about me. You have helped me beyond measure. Please know that you are all included in my prayers and seek for God to bless all of you.