Friends

Thanks to all of you wonderful people out there (my friends) I am doing quite well with this whole situation. I don't believe I have ever felt so much support from so many people about anything in my life. Without all of you I would be in a total slump. I would have still known that God loves me and that the atonement is there for me, but it would have been absolutely more difficult. I have found joy in speaking with people again. I was afraid many were going to condemn me for being a divorcee. Granted, some people don't quite know how to act around me or how to speak to me now that I am getting divorced, but I know that it's not out of malice and that it's just awkward for them. My family has been an infinite support to me as well. I know in a previous post it may have sounded a little like they weren't supporting me, but please please please don't think that. As I go through different phases of coping my tone tends to change and on a scared anxious day I tend to blame myself for more and worry about things that aren't really a problem. I am now completely moved out of the apartment and moved in at my parents. I'm so grateful that I have my family close enough that I am able to have a place to live. (Now switching topic)...I have made it a goal to try to read a few chapters out of the 'Book of Mormon' every night since this has all happened. I spoke with one of my best friends that had gone through a divorce and she said that often in situations like this one of the people involved tends to leave the church. She told me of her goal to read the 'BoM' in three months (fast for her) and how she felt like that and her prayers are what really kept her on track. I've enjoyed my reading time each night since it brings me peace and I am able to sleep and sleep deeply. I've also made more of an effort to say my prayers out loud. I know this may sound odd but it has helped me to feel closer to God and more like I'm holding a conversation with him. The car has also become a favorite place to pray (eyes open of course) because I just say how I'm feeling I can plead and cry and say whatever I want and no one can hear me or comment to me about it. I have resolved that I will not become bitter about this. I have a friend that did and I know that he will never be happy until he let's the bitterness dissipate and decided to forgive and be happy. I am young and beautiful and I have a great future ahead of me. I know this because God is my companion. I apologize for the depressing posts. I really am trying to be positive. I hope that good days like this make it worth reading through all of the complaining and self-doubts. Again, thank you for reading my blog!

Observations

As I moved the majority of my things out of my apartment today I struggled with the fact that my marriage is a few weeks from over. Reflecting on the memories that Josh and I had made was a torture I couldn't seem to avoid as I was packing or throwing things away. I had to accept that Josh is no longer a part of my life and I pushed myself to finally remove my wedding ring. I didn't want to do it but the symbol of that ring, the promises, have been destroyed. I have had to tell myself that that is what the ring was, a symbol of our promises, and that it is no longer appropriate for me to wear it since those covenants and promises are broken. I don't think I have ever felt so bare in my life as when I removed my ring. I can still see the imprint on my finger from wearing it for a year and two months. It felt like a betrayal, but what am I to do. I keep wondering what I did to cause my husband to stop loving me, to no longer want to come home to me and spend time with me? What did I do that was so terrible? I wonder if he thought me ugly because my skin freaked out with the different things I was having to try to try and get pregnant. I know it messed with my emotions but I never thought it was enough to cause the most important person in my life to leave me. Fear is trying to control me and I'm having a hard time fighting it off. People keep telling me it's not my fault and that I did everything I could but when the most significant person in your life finds reason to divorce you you can't help but wonder what you did that was so so wrong. I believe that I am strong and beautiful, that I deserve to be loved and valued, so why wasn't I? I worry that I am some monster that will ruin relationship after relationship though I can't see how I am capable of such a thing. I know that I have plenty of people who care for me because of the response that I have received from this blog but I fear that if anyone besides my family ever comes to love me above anything else that I will, somehow in someway that I can't fathom, cause them to fall out of love. I know God loves me but I still desire a love like my parents. My dad still adores my mother like he did when they first met. Am I ridiculous to dream of such love? Does it make me naive? Now don't get me wrong. I am happy. I will be happy even if I end up alone (though I don't believe that I will). I am grateful with how things have worked out so that I don't have to live through a loveless marriage, but even if I had I would have been happy. I have a home and family and friends who care deeply for me and that is more than many others can say. I just deeply desire to have that best-friend who would I could be a partner with and achieve our greatest dreams together. (Now for my positive affirmations) I am grateful that I now have a chance to find that love and friendship. I am thankful for the second chance that I have to find happiness. I know that God loves me and things will work together for my good (Not and affirmation since I do KNOW this part). Forgive me for being so back and forth with my feelings all the time. It is just me learning how to cope and survive that lonely time in my life; not that I'm lonely because I don't feel love and care from those around me, but because I have lost it from the person that I become one with. Thank you again, all of you, for the prayers. I would be a lost little duckling without them. Remember that you are important to me and that you are helping my pull through this. It lifts a great weight off of me to write this blog and to help others see that even when life isn't how you want it to be there is still so much to be thankful for and also to let them know that they aren't alone in the feelings they are experiencing. It brings me hope that I can help someone and it helps encourage me to be strong if I feel like and example. The end of yet another novella.

A Long Hard Night

Alright, I'm asking for forgiveness now incase this doesn't make much sense. It's nearly four in the morning and my eyes are barely open. Today felt like I was single again. i know it's not final yet, but it did. I worked for a few hours and then I went to visit a friend who had her baby a few days ago and ended up talking to her and her family for two hours. After that I went to another friends apartment because he is letting me store some of my furniture and such in his storage area for a little while and I went to check out the size and ended up talking to him and his roommate, which is another friend, for two hours. I haven't had that much time to talk to anyone since I met Josh. It honestly felt like the times from right before I met him. It was fun and I got laugh and be myself. It wasn't the most responsible thing to do since I had to pack up my whole apartment tonight, but it helped me realize all the wonderful friends I have and confirm yet again how many people care for me and are wanting to support me through this. They remind me of the hope that is out there for me that I will at some point be able to overcome this fear and lack of trust that is now me, that there is a man that will wait for me to pull out of that and will think that I'm worth it. I keep worrying that people especially men are going to think I'm just some weirdo (which we all know that I really am to a reasonable extent) and never want to speak with me again and ruin my chances of really getting to know someone. I want people to know that I'm real that I'm not trying to put on some show but this is who I am and that inside I'm hurting and it's going to take time to pull myself out of the protective mode I'm in. I got to experience it for a moment tonight. I packed my stuff in my apartment for eight hours tonight and just got home (consequences of being irresponsible) but while I was doing that I ran out of rubbermaids to pack my life into. So at like midnight I text an old friend that has always been there for me no matter what to see if he would go with me so Wal-Mart so I could finish packing tonight. Poor guy was studying like mad for some major tests, but he took the time to stop and join me for the time it took to run to Wal-Mart and get home. It's stupid little things like that that remind me that trudging on is worth it. There are people out there that are selfless and want to WORK at being a great friend. Anyway, today has been a day of friends and I am very grateful. You can stop reading now but I have to say that I hope you never have to pack everything you own in one night and that you procrastinated and then you have to move everything the next day because my back and feel are killing me! :) I really do hope that you never have to do it.

Lost In A Big Ol' World

I've never really felt so out of place as I do tonight. I'm in the middle of a divorce with an apartment that has to be emptied by the end of the week. So, I decided to stay at my parents for a while. I'm not really ready to move back into the single housing of Provo, Utah especially since I never really liked it in the first place. At mom and dad's the problem is there isn't really a place for me to stay. My mom has started her own practice for midwifery and the room that I assumed would be mine is now turned into her office and exam room. I'm so happy for her to start her practice but it just makes me feel really lost. I have an apartment full of furniture that I don't want to sell since I got it all for such a good price with nowhere to put it. I can have one of the small rooms in our basement but that means I have to kick one of my siblings out their room. I already know that this is going to be a huge cause of contention. I'm not exactly keen on wanting to stay at my parents in the first place. I have been independent for so long that it's hard to to move back into a place where I have no say in how things go and where everything is a big mess. It's not totally my parents fault, the mess, it's my siblings. They can't keep anything clean and the basement is sort of their domain and I can't stand everything not being in its place. This regressing in my stages of life is really throwing me for a loop. I can't live in student housing even if I wanted to since I'm no longer a student, but I can't afford a place all on my own. This is why I feel SO lost. This whole situation is making me tempted to go back to school, but if I were to do that I would go to USU to do their Music Therapy program. That causes another problem too. If I leave to go back to school I lose all of my students (which I really don't want to do since I love all of my students and it has taken me years to build up my clientele) and thus I lose all of my income. That means I can't pay for housing or school then either. So here is my quandary that I wish I weren't in. Now I'm trying to find a way to cope with it all.

Final Steps Are Taken

Today I signed the divorce papers. It's an interesting feeling knowing that I have now consented to this divorce. I do believe that it is for the best. Now I get to do the waiting game and practice my patience and keep my sanity until this is all over. I haven't posted the last few days because after I got all sad I got angry. I was so upset and frustrated I figured I shouldn't post anything for fear of writing somethings that were harsh or inappropriate. I don't want to thrash Josh and his family. I need to take the high road. I do feel guilt at times with the satisfaction I find in saying something along the lines of, "Ugh, I want to go egg his car". No, there is no way I would ever do something like that even to a lesser or greater degree but the pent up anger and resentment does seem to lesson a bit when I think such awful little thoughts. So, I guess I now need to slap my hand, repent for such unkind thoughts, and ask God again for peace and comfort. I really am lucky to have as much peace as I do. I met with the counselor that Josh and I met with again last night to find some conclusion. I'm glad that I went. He has helped me to see that the sadness and anger and loneliness is all natural. He has also helped me see that I can't blame myself for this and that I DID do everything I could do to save our marriage. Sadly, he thought that with continual counseling we would have been able to work out our issues and have a happy marriage but to have done that Josh would have needed to come to counseling. Hopefully, I can now move on. I think I'll do better once I get all of my things out of our apartment. I get so sad and then angry seeing our pictures and finding wedding cards. There are also those drawers with little notes and cards from Josh and I have to throw them all away. It's not easy giving up all of those things from someone that you have loved. I struggled getting rid of all of our engagement and wedding pictures, because it was such a beautiful day. It was my dream wedding and now I have to toss it. I just have to keep telling myself again and again that this is for the best and that I'm really lucky to get out now before we have kids or to sit through a marriage where I feel worthless. At least I know that I'm not worthless in the Lord's eyes. I have a family that loves me and is supporting me... along with all of those countless friends who have sent me their prayers and love. I am not lonely in this life, not by a long shot. I could only have my God but I have a testimony of the atonement and wonderful family and friends. Thank you to all of you for remembering me and being concerned about me. You have helped me beyond measure. Please know that you are all included in my prayers and seek for God to bless all of you.

Day Three

Today was day three of knowing that I would be getting divorced. The morning started off okay but keeping composure got tougher as the day went on. I had a meeting with my bishop and I realized when I spoke with him that I still had a little shred of hope that Josh and I would be able to work all of this out. The bishop told me he was to speak with Josh later and he would let me know how it went and if there was any chance of Josh changing his mind. I was anxious for hours waiting for that call and when it came my stomach did one of those drops like when you're on a roller-coaster. It wasn't good news. He said that nothing he said would change Josh's mind to give it some more time and to not make such a big decision quite yet. It was then that I realized I'd been holding on to that sliver of hope this whole time. I was devastated. I broke down crying and then cried again at the dinner table and then after dinner and again tonight. That's why I'm typing this now. My heart feels like it has been ripped out of me and that I'm having to try to survive without it. I keep pleading with God to restore His peace to me once again. I know He will and that I have to let Him, but I just hurt so much. The pain is so great that at times I feel that I am going to lose my dinner and then at other times I just want to fall asleep until the pain is gone. In all honesty, I'm scared. I know I need to show greater faith in the Lord, but I really am. I'm scared to be single again. I'm afraid of being hurt by someone so close to me again. I'm afraid of my name being slandered. I guess this is all part of processing what I'm going through. I tend to be someone who thinks a little to far ahead and it can be a dangerous thing to do. I have to deal with now. I have to continue doing my best so that our Savior's Atonement can come into play and I can be healed. I know many others are suffering all types of pain and affliction. I am not alone and neither are you. We need to remember that suffering is for our benefit and not to punish us for our shortcomings. Yes, it is a lot easier to say than to act upon and believe, but you have to say it to help you on the path to believing it. People are selfish and will hurt us all through our lives; yes we have to have faith that they won't. We need others to be happy and we have to go out on a limb to show our faith in them. It builds trust and even if they push us down let us brush off the dirt and stand tall!

The Greatest Loss

Today I think I have fully realized all that I am losing. My heart is broken over the loved ones I lose from this whole divorce. I wasn't ready to stop trying but I can't change anyone, especially those that I love. I am so sad about losing the family that I had gained by the union. Now none of them will speak to me or even look at me. They wouldn't even before Josh gave me the divorce papers. I will never get to see my new little nephew, Colton. I'll never get to see my darling little Chloe again (Josh's little sister who adores me). The pain that my little siblings have had to go through and that I have had to witness is heart wrenching. I've never been so grateful that I never had to worry about my parents getting a divorce because it would have destroyed me as a child. My parents never fought in front of us and have never contemplated divorce. I knew I was lucky but I never realized how much until I had to tell my little brother that Josh and I were getting a divorce and I saw the shock that went through his body and the tears that streamed down his cheeks as he sobbed. Little children shouldn't have to experience such pain. Their hearts are too pure. I'm worried for little Chloe because I know that haven't told her yet about Josh and I and it's going to crush her. Poor little girl cried her eyes out when she thought here parents were saying they didn't love me. It just isn't fair to those precious little children. Thank God for their resilient little souls. Children are able to forgive like no adults ever could. If only we adults could learn a little from them maybe my marriage wouldn't be ending. There is nothing I can do to save it. I know because I have tried, but I can be resilient. That is where our faith and hope comes into play. It can make us have the desire to trudge on and and stay standing, and I WILL do it! There is a link if you click on the title of this blog entry. The link was an inspiring little message for me and I hope it can be for you too.