Beginning Counseling Again

This week I went to my normal counselor and it was absolutely terrible. I went to my parents house afterwards and by the time I got there I was bawling my eyes out. My dad helped me decide then and there that I needed a new counselor. My dad knew of a man in Ogden and told me to get an appointment with him. I was able to get one for two and a half weeks later. That isn't too bad for him at all. Well, by some miracle they had a cancelation five minutes after I spoke with his secretary on the phone. I by some miracle was also able to reschedule all my lessons that day for the next day and so I took the hour and a half drive up to Ogden. It was worth it. My counselor, Gene, is on track. he counsels by the spirit and that's what I want! he helped me realize a lot of wonderful things. One that I wish I had known earlier is that because of the type of marriage I had and my divorce I will get insecure when I get in a relationship with someone and it starts to go somewhere. I saw this happen in my last relationship and I do feel that I messed with the relationship some. I mean when we first started dating I was confident and happy then as my feelings grew the more insecure I become about every action I did. He noticed it and I wished with all my heart I could have stopped feeling that way, but I couldn't. What Gene told me is that I need let whomever I'm in dating relationship with know (once I have started to develop strong feelings for) that I'm going to hit an insecure dip. It will pass, but I need them to work through it with me. At least I know it now and I can be prepared for it myself. Knowing this has helped me stop beating myself up. My security with myself is on a consistent rise and I just need to keep it going. I'm looking forward to being 100% confident again instead of about 82%.... P.s. Go to the temple and do initiatories if you can, when you're feeling down. You can't help but feel better when you do.

Paradigm Shift

Last night at institute I had a paradigm shift about this not so fun part of my life. I decided at the new year that I would start to attend institute since it's been about 4 years since I've done so. Thus far it has been a good decision. We're studying the Pearl of Great Price and I'm finding a lot of comfort in it. I LOVE this book! God is telling us that we all have a purpose and that we are not the son of man, we are sons of God. In study of scripture you begin to see that trials either come before great blessings or just after great blessings. My paradigm shift was that I am going through all of this to prepare me for greater blessings. I had forgotten that the blessings are worth all of this and I would suffer much much more if it is what is required to receive the blessings that God wants to give me. I need to practice continued patience with the Lord and trust more in His loving hands.

Well, yippie-skippy...

Alrighty, the reason I haven't posted in the last month is because I'm struggling with being as optimistic as I would like. For me the holiday was a dewsy. I am so grateful to have a wonderful family or I don't know how I would have made it through. The family party was as hard as I expected it to be... all my family with their special someone and me alone as could be. They of course tried to be comforting when they realized they were hitting a sensitive spot when talking about last Christmas by telling me that I'm better off, but it doesn't make the hurt go away. I do believe that I am better off in some ways but definitely not better off in others. I'm actually kind of grateful I woke up with food poisoning on Christmas day. I didn't feel quite so lonely because I couldn't even roll over without feeling sick so I slept most of the day. New year's eve was alright but lonely again. It's hard being the only single child out of the five adult children in your family. Even my fourteen year old sister has a boyfriend (which I don't think is a good idea). It's not that I feel I need to be in a relationship. The real problem is that I have forgotten my self-worth. I feel utterly unwanted and have to keep checking myself on self-destructive thoughts. No, I'm not depressed I'm just sad and worn out. I still study my scriptures daily, offer up prayers to God, attend the temple weekly, and go to church every week, but it's not pulling me out of this awful place I'm in. The awful place is my anger. I haven't been angry about my divorce since about July, but now I really really am. I blame Josh for making me feel unwanted and worthless. Before him I didn't struggle with who I was and what I was about. Then going through a break-up that has been extremely hard for me seemed to tip the scale to the side that proved I am unwanted. I am tired and worn out. I'm holding in there because I know I have a Savior who loves me and wants me too. He's shaping me into the woman He wants me to be, but I'm fighting Him on that too, because I'm SO tired of hurting. So, since I want change I'm taking action. I'm attending institute for a little spiritual pick-me-up during the week, playing volleyball twice a week, and I've decided to go back to counseling. The decision about counseling has been a difficult one for me. I've had to swallow my pride and admit that I have some new issues that how popped up about my divorce that need to be fixed; the biggest being that of forgiving Josh. I have others to forgive, but Josh is the biggie. I believe one I am able to forgive him I'll be able to move on and have peace in my life again. In forgiving him I'll be able to let go of these ridiculous self-worth issues. So, now it is laid out for all to see. I am still holding in there, but as I have been honest with you about how I've been dealing with my divorce and the aftermath I figured I'd continue. Divorce is hard, but I will come out of this a better person. I have enough faith in my God for that. If you're going through a rough one, which I'm sure plenty of you are, I hope that you're holding in there too. I hope for all of you that you are having a great new year and that you had a wonderful Christmas. P.S. My apologies for having no idea how to format on this system. I'll learn at some point, but as of right now I'm really working on simplifying.

Building Strength

Well, I have excuses for not blogging, but I'm not going to bore you with those. It's been a rough few weeks and doesn't look like it's going to get any better soon. I was dumped last week after a three month relationship and let me tell you, it stinks... bad. We're still on good terms, but it's so tough. I have now had my heart broken twice this year. I'm still heartbroken and it may be that way for a little while. Sometimes, I want to ask myself why I open my heart when so far it has only led to hurt. I guess it's because I hope that there really is someone out there that will love me with all my faults and vice-versa. I'll admit, I feel tired and often overwhelmed with all the pain and hurt I've experienced this year, but I know that no matter how alone I feel, I'm not alone. God is always there for me. I do take time to cry and to cry some more, but it's not because I feel abandoned by God. I guess He's just helping me see how strong I really am and how much I can handle. I have to remind myself of this often, but I know in the end all of this will be worth it. I keep thinking of my favorite scripture which reads, "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." (Philippians 4:13) I believe this scripture. It manifests itself in my life to a more frequent degree, if I let it. Think, you can do anything with Christ's help and you will be stronger because of it. We do not experience and then stay at the level we are at. We will always grow and become stronger as we experience. Experience defines character. Your character develops as you react to any given experience. So, knowing that I strive to always react in a way that will form me into the person I want to be, and I want to be happy, kind, thoughtful, diligent, and many many more things. Don't give up hope... we all need to hold on for each other.

Shocker

So this past Friday I was carving pumpkins with the little boys that I nanny. We were having so much fun and it had been an all around great day. Then the doorbell rang. It was the mailman and he had a certified letter for me. I was all kinds of curious, because who has any reason to send me certified mail. This is what it was... It was a letter from my ex-husbands bishop telling me that Josh was applying to be sealed to another sister in the spring and it asked what my thoughts were on this. Let me tell you, that was a shocker. I had found out two weeks earlier that he was in a relationship and I'm so glad I knew or this would have been so much more of a surprise. I wasn't angry or upset, nor am I now. I was just more overwhelmed by the thought of having to write a letter that would be going to the first presidency and wondering what in the world I was supposed to write. I'm so grateful that the Lord had healed me in time for this, because it's not easy to look back and recall the things that happened in my marriage. I believe that if I had not healed from my divorce that this would be all the more painful and take even longer to heal. I'm grateful for church leaders as well and their guidance. I can finally make some progress on the letter since I have spoken with my bishop about what needs to be written. I am very happy for Josh and that he has been able to find someone. I wish him and his wife to be all the happiness possible in their marriage. I know there are those that would say I'm just saying that, but I honestly mean it. I wish to see the world full of happy people and I would never wish for anyones peace or happiness to be taken from them... I don't care what they've done. Again, I'm thankful for the atonement and the peace that can be found through it. It has made it possible for me to happier than I thought I would be any time soon.

Whole Bunch of Topics

I'm done! I'm done! No more sessions for me! It feels wonderful to know that I've done everything I can to move on from my divorce and that I have moved on. There are still little thoughts or moments that pop up every now and then, but I can deal with them and deal with them well. Next topic- After more thought I have decided not to become a midwife. It's not because I don't want to. It's because I physically can't. I don't know what my deal is, but if I don't sleep I fall apart... mentally and physically. I thought I could pull through and be fine with less sleep, but here I go and try it and I'm a mess for days. I'm still a major advocate for natural birth, but I can't deliver the babies myself. I had to think through my priorities and if I want a family and to be the mother and wife I want to be I just can't do it. I would neglect one of those rolls to fit in the midwifery and it's not fair to whomever my future family is. Now, for more things I love: 31. Long walks with someone you care about 32. Going to the temple 33. Playing volleyball 34. New socks 35. When it's cold enough to sleep with lots of blankets 36. Answered prayers 37. A clean kitchen 38. Clean, fresh smells 39. A good nights sleep 40. Being at peace

Session No. 4

I'm still going strong and on a good course. Jennifer thinks I'll need one more session and then I only need to come in for maintenance sessions if I feel I need one. I'm in another relationship and certain things can trigger memories or fears from my divorce. The person I'm dating isn't causing the fears it is just a result of of my divorce. So, my goal is to make sure I let myself feel the feelings that surface, but that I also step back and observe the what and whys of what I am feeling and that my actions to those feelings are healthy. Sometimes the action I need to take is to talk to the person involved, but that is scary business. When you open your heart like that to someone you become vulnerable, and being vulnerable means I could get hurt. As much as it scares me it's a risk I'm willing to take. If you let fear stand in your way you would never do anything and personally for myself I want to live life to its fullest, which means risks. So far, the results have been worth the risk :) So, if you have gone through or are going through something that is causing you to have fear in your heart, trust in the Lord and let him bear you up. Fear is not of God so do what it takes to remove that fear from your life. For me it has meant getting counseling and letting myself trust certain people (even though it may be scary), and praying my heart out. It has been worth it :)