Well, yippie-skippy...

Alrighty, the reason I haven't posted in the last month is because I'm struggling with being as optimistic as I would like. For me the holiday was a dewsy. I am so grateful to have a wonderful family or I don't know how I would have made it through. The family party was as hard as I expected it to be... all my family with their special someone and me alone as could be. They of course tried to be comforting when they realized they were hitting a sensitive spot when talking about last Christmas by telling me that I'm better off, but it doesn't make the hurt go away. I do believe that I am better off in some ways but definitely not better off in others. I'm actually kind of grateful I woke up with food poisoning on Christmas day. I didn't feel quite so lonely because I couldn't even roll over without feeling sick so I slept most of the day. New year's eve was alright but lonely again. It's hard being the only single child out of the five adult children in your family. Even my fourteen year old sister has a boyfriend (which I don't think is a good idea). It's not that I feel I need to be in a relationship. The real problem is that I have forgotten my self-worth. I feel utterly unwanted and have to keep checking myself on self-destructive thoughts. No, I'm not depressed I'm just sad and worn out. I still study my scriptures daily, offer up prayers to God, attend the temple weekly, and go to church every week, but it's not pulling me out of this awful place I'm in. The awful place is my anger. I haven't been angry about my divorce since about July, but now I really really am. I blame Josh for making me feel unwanted and worthless. Before him I didn't struggle with who I was and what I was about. Then going through a break-up that has been extremely hard for me seemed to tip the scale to the side that proved I am unwanted. I am tired and worn out. I'm holding in there because I know I have a Savior who loves me and wants me too. He's shaping me into the woman He wants me to be, but I'm fighting Him on that too, because I'm SO tired of hurting. So, since I want change I'm taking action. I'm attending institute for a little spiritual pick-me-up during the week, playing volleyball twice a week, and I've decided to go back to counseling. The decision about counseling has been a difficult one for me. I've had to swallow my pride and admit that I have some new issues that how popped up about my divorce that need to be fixed; the biggest being that of forgiving Josh. I have others to forgive, but Josh is the biggie. I believe one I am able to forgive him I'll be able to move on and have peace in my life again. In forgiving him I'll be able to let go of these ridiculous self-worth issues. So, now it is laid out for all to see. I am still holding in there, but as I have been honest with you about how I've been dealing with my divorce and the aftermath I figured I'd continue. Divorce is hard, but I will come out of this a better person. I have enough faith in my God for that. If you're going through a rough one, which I'm sure plenty of you are, I hope that you're holding in there too. I hope for all of you that you are having a great new year and that you had a wonderful Christmas. P.S. My apologies for having no idea how to format on this system. I'll learn at some point, but as of right now I'm really working on simplifying.