Weekend Wack

This was a particularly hard weekend. Thursday I got a call from the lady that I nanny for. She had run into Josh at the bookstore and she wanted to tell me what he said. She did ask him what happened with us and he answered her without hesitancy. First he told her that he still loved me. You know, maybe he does love me, but when you love someone the way you're supposed to love your spouse you don't divorce them. I'll admit that this really upset me since he followed this comment with this: " It's the most selfish thing I've ever done, but I had to. Emily never took accountability for anything. I also think that she may be bipolar or have a personality disorder". It isn't a perfect quote but it's pretty darn close. How do you say such things about someone (especially when they are not true) and say that you love them in the same phrase?! He just flat out said this to the lady I work for. It makes me wonder what else is being said about me. Has he not hurt me enough that he has to say these things as well? Maybe he really does think he still loves me, but it must be a pretty twisted type of love. I mean I could believe that there is a tiny part of him that will always love me because of what we shared, but please, quit telling people how you love me and how hard it has been on you. Sure, he's hurting too, but the difference is he's the one that wanted this. On a different note... It was a hard weekend again since it was my sister's wedding. I felt so guilty since I had jealous, sad feelings running through me. Yes, I am SO happy for her, but I couldn't help feeling bad for myself. It was so hard to sit in the sealing room with her and hear she and Matt make their covenants... the same covenants that Josh and I made just over a year ago that he has broken. Then their (Morgan and Matt's) mission president said the most beautiful words about marriage and the covenants that were made at their luncheon. He put everything so clearly and I wish that Josh could have heard them all before he decided to give me the divorce papers. Now that I've vented, I can release all this pent up pain from this weekend. May the Lord grant me peace and patience and the ability to forgive.

Boys and Bugs

I have two little boys that I babysit every Friday. They are 3 and 4 and I've watched them basically, since before they were born. Well yesterday was such a beautiful day I thought we should have some fun outside. There were some rolley-polleys crawling around so i told the 4 year old to go pick one up and play with it. He thought it was the coolest thing ever! We he decides to show his younger brother his cool new friends. After that the younger one decided he wanted a rolley-polley to play with himself, so I tell him to go catch himself one. Well I see him trying to catch one and it's moving fast, yet, he catches it. He is SOO excited and for some reason I feel I need to have him show me his 'wowley-powley'. He runs over to show it to me and opens his chubby little hands and guess what he has caught himself... a big ol' black spider. I automatically start freaking out at him telling him to drop it!!! I then stomped on it and the boys learned an important lesson. That lesson is, you play with rolley-polleys... never ever spiders. Sadly, when I was showing them the rolley-polleys I had this little whisper of a thought that said, "Now that they think it's okay to play with rolley-polleys are they going to think it's okay to play with all bugs?". Interesting how quickly that little thought proved itself to me. I think I freaked the poor kids out, but I don't know a lot about spiders and I know there are some dangerous arachnids out there. It was cute though to see the little 3 year old telling himself all day that you don't play with spiders :) Sorry, I'm not the best story-teller, but I still think it is a funny little tale.

Another Step

Yesterday was my older sister's bridal shower. I never guessed how hard that would be. It was the first shower I've been to since I got married and now soon to be divorced. I've been doing great over these past few weeks and I really feel as if I'm moving on, but wow! Sometimes it's so hard to see others blissfully happy. I'm not jealous really I guess I just got on a bit of a pity-party for myself. It was like everything that was being said related to Josh and I when I had my bridal shower. Then there is always the piece of advice they want you to give the person to be married but, I don't feel qualified to give such advice. I mean really??? You're asking me??? My marriage didn't make it. Aren't you afraid I'll curse you with destructive advice? I'm sure with a little more time I'll get over this little phase. It makes me feel terrible. I couldn't even make it through the shower. I ended up crying and having to leave before anyone could see. When I apologized to my sister this morning my sister stated how ironic it was that I would end up feeling that way at her shower since in a way she felt the same way at mine. I'm glad that experience is over though. I tend to do a little better each time I go through something like that and I am SOOOO grateful that it works that way. The Lord grants healing and what was the most destructive to me as a person has been healed it's just the scrapes and bruises now and they fade a little more each day. I'm glad that my sister has her chance to be happy now and that she was so forgiving to me in my weakness. The more I desire others to be happy the faster I become happy and forget all of the hurt. One completely different point.... I have something that needs to be addressed. I may have done so earlier, but I'm not really sure I did. Rumors have started that (not just the fear of them going around) Josh left me because I am bi-polar. I'll tell you right now I'm not. I don't have depression and I don't have mania. The biggest thing I have is mild anxiety. If any of you hear this I would ask you to please, confront the person saying it and let them know that it isn't true and ask them not to repeat it. The source of this rumor is using it to protect themselves. I ask you to again, to please disregard it. Thank you for watching out for me.

A Perfect Outlook

I dear friend sent this to me today and how inspired she was to do so. This message is the outlook we should all have in out lives no matter what we are going through. I know that I am stronger for what I have gone through and I am thankful for it. Please accept the following message as my own testimony.

Mothers

This song was written by Sally Deford and is sung my me. I decided to finally record it for my mom this mothers day. My mommy means a lot to me and has been the ultimate example so this song is a perfect description of her and all that she does as a mother. I know every thinks that their mother is the best and I'm sure your mothers a wonderful too, but I will always think that my mother is right near perfect. I really do hope that I can be as wonderful a mother as she is to me. So, I dedicate this song to my mom. I love you momma!

Zippidy-do-da-day!

So I think that I can really move on now. I had some questions about certain things and I had a nice conversation with Pres. Bateman, the Provo Temple temple president. He answered my two questions very clearly and I knew that I could trust what he said. I think I knew the answers in my heart all along but I didn't want to accept them for reasons of my own, but hearing it come from his mouth I had to accept it. No, I was not questioning God or the church. It had to do specifically with some things that Josh had said to me. Anyway, now that I have those answers I feel such a weight lifted off of me. I don't really feel hurt anymore. There may be days when I do...I guess...I don't know, but as of right now I feel peace and I don't hurt anymore. If anything I feel more sorry for Josh. I think now I will be able to be myself and not crash if I end up seeing Josh around. It might throw me off since it will be the first time since 5 days before he gave me the divorce papers, but I believe that now I'll be okay after it. I can't explain how good it feels to feel like myself again. The real me is coming back :) I feel the desire to sing and sew again. I want to record music again! I've recorded music again! I feel peace. I was guided to speak to the temple president by a friend who was an answer to prayer. I was having a super rough night a few nights ago and I didn't know what to do or where to turn. I ended up on my knees pleading with the Lord to let there be someone to talk to to sort out my thoughts. I pleaded for the pain to be taken away. I felt so utterly empty and the hurt was so deep. I have never known such terrible anguish to my heart, mind, and spirit. Then I get online and a dear friend happens to get on at one-thirty in the morning. Poor woman was so sick she couldn't sleep and so she got online. I ended up talking to her and with something I said she suggested I talk to the temple president. I did and since I have I have felt no pain or hurt. I honestly only feel sorrow for Josh. What a beautiful answer to prayer! I didn't even have to wait 15 minutes to find the path to the answer to my prayer. God is merciful. He does not want us to suffer and be unhappy. We really are here to be instruments in the Lord's hands. I'm sorry that my friend had to suffer such sickness so that she could be an answer to my prayer, but boy, am I grateful!!! Ah, it feels so nice to feel true happiness again!

Attention

It has been brought to my attention that there are those that think I was trying to suggest what may have brought about this divorce by my last post. I want to make it clear that I had and have no such intentions of doing that. I will state plainly that I have no desire to trash Josh or his family on this blog. It has been purely a place for me to lay out my feelings and thoughts. I was not hinting that Josh did any of the examples of what men may do to break out hearts. I was simply trying to say that he broke mine and that it hurts. The examples were there so that others may relate or try to understand some of the situations women go through that can break their hearts. It was meant to be a message of hope. I will tell you that I know Josh was unhappy. I know there were things that I did that he didn't like, but that is part of being married. I know that there are reasons for why Josh was done, I just don't know what they were. I know many of the things that he complained about me doing, but none of them are a reason to divorce someone. I never wanted to divorce Josh. I didn't want to sign those papers. I didn't want to stop trying. NO, I am NOT perfect. And guess what! I know that more than anyone that guesses at how I am feeling will ever realize. I do not accuse Josh of anything other than giving up. I still love him and I still think he is a good man. Trust me, I do own up to the things that I did that caused problems in our marriage. I also addressed every single thing that Josh ever complained about me doing. In the end it didn't matter. He was so caught up in whatever made him decide to divorce me that it didn't matter! It makes me so sad to think that when I am trying to share my hope with others and to help them have hope in their lives that there are those that only see it as me trying to make Josh look like the bad guy and to make myself look all perfect. I am doing my best to move on and it has helped me to think that others can learn from the feelings that I am having. I am NOT judging Josh. I cannot because I don't really know what happened. Am I upset at him? YES!!! Do I hate him and desire to slander him? NO! He was a very important part of my life. Those that think I'm trying to do harm to him, take your own advice, "Judge not that ye be not judged".