Love

I nearly went all of April without writing... my bad. I have made a few life altering decisions that have made life so much more beautiful. It all started with dating Caleb, a man who sees people and loves them. I always thought I loved people, but I realize now I never did to the extent that I could have.

Since I was 12 years old I have spent my life trying to be the daughter that was 'perfect', the daughter that never did anything wrong. I was that in all of my actions, but as a result my heart wasn't doing what is more important than anything and that is seeing people and loving them. As a teenager I never had a curfew... that's because I was always home by midnight, generally eleven. I worked hard and saved my money. This all came about by being grounded for a combined time of nine months in one year. I never wanted to be grounded again... and I never was. This was brought into many areas of my life. It brought about some mild OCD and was also brought into my marriage.

I now realize that this obsession with being perfect played a huge part in my marriage falling apart. In my mind I couldn't understand why my husband was falling out of love with me, I did everything perfectly. Laundry was always done, dinner made, house spotless, and lunches made for the next day. I made curtains for our home. I threw baby-showers. I kept my legs shaved, played hours of video-games and everything. The one thing that I didn't realize I wasn't offering was a complete emotional connection. I denied Josh the one thing he really needed and that was love; a love that was deeply connected and emotional. I did love Josh, just not in the selfless way needed for a successful relationship. I have discovered that people can sense the true meaning behind actions and my actions were not out of love. I thought they were. I honestly thought they were, but they were out of this obsession to be the perfect wife and for Josh to see me that way. It's been quite the paradigm shift for me, but it was been so worth it.

I believe that now I love Josh more truly than I ever did when we were married. I've started letting go of the little things and have stopped worrying so much. I now just live and act on the kind and loving thoughts that come into my mind and heart. My room has been a disaster for the first time in a VERY long time, but I have spent more time sincerely loving people and it has been beautiful. Now, my closet is still color-coded and my bed is still made every morning, but it's no where near spotless with everything in its place. As I have let go I have been able to see people better and why their actions are what they are. I am truly loving and now so much peace and happiness are swelling in my heart and the more peace, love, and happiness there is the more energy I have to foster more.

There has been a certain book that has helped me with this: "The Anatomy of Peace" by, The Arbinger Institute. I strongly recommend this book to EVERYONE. It has changed my life. Caleb recommended it to me and it's what he and his dad try to live their lives by and now I do. Sorry, this is so long, but my life has been full of so much insight and peace as of late that I can't not share it. I'd type so much more, but I don't want to chase you away :)

I also want to apologize to those that I may not have seen clearly and not loved as purely as I should. I have been blind, but I am working very hard at opening my eyes and my heart and I hope that you can sense it and feel it.