Whirlwind

Alright, I know it's been a few weeks. Trust me, be glad that I didn't write. I'm gonna give you a quick update about what's been going on in my life and then I'll let you know why I was taking a breather. Firstly, I ended things with sweet Brandon. He really has been wonderful, but I guess I got this subconscious feeling that my life was about to get turned upside down... which it has. It would not have been fair to him to have him be in a relationship with me and what I'm going through right now. Second, I am now an aunt to a beautiful little girl names Ellie Kate Pugh!!! She is absolutely adorable and with time I will post a picture of us together. Third, I have moved again. It was only two floors down from where I was before, but for some reason I haven't been able to understand it took it's toll on me. Maybe it's because of the emotional turmoil I've been going through. It is so nice to have all of my things here this time. I had my sister's old room before and it had her stuff in it and I only brought a little over since I knew I'd be moving in two months. Now I have my sewing machine and my books and it is lovely! Fourth, according to my new wonderful roommate who used to be a marriage and family therapist I am still going through the 5 stages of loss. To put it bluntly I have been a mess of sorts for like the last two or three weeks. I started not being able to go to bed which seemed odd to me but with reflection I came to realize it's because I was alone and I couldn't stand being alone. This came to my mind when I realized I couldn't be alone for 15 minutes without HAVING to do something or be with someone. I'm still trying to cope with loneliness. I know I have God and friends and family all supporting me, but it's because Josh is gone and we are over. It's pathetic (at least to me) but it it's hurting right now. I have to deal with these feelings if I want to be at peace with them and heal. Since I've accepted that I've been doing a little better. I'm not dating anymore since I realize that it would be utterly selfish of me. I'm not in a place where I want to date to find someone. I want to date for fun and when that's not the man's intention for dating I'm just being selfish. I would be doing it as a distraction, for something to do, at least to some extent. Yes, there are people I want to date and see how things go, but I don't want to do that to them. So, I've had to take a step back and admit that I have more things concerning the divorce that I need to work on. I spoke with my bishop and he has suggested that I see a divorce counselor. Not because I'm not handling things well, but because it will help me heal faster. As much as my dad would probably say I'm providing an opportunity for others to say mean things to me, I'm going to admit that I'm going to go to a counselor. I'm doing it because I want to heal. I want to be over this divorce and not hurt anymore. I want to be in a relationship and for it to be healthy. It is for those that are going through what I'm going through and have read my blog and have let me know how it is helping them that I post this. They deserve to know it's tough on me too, but I CAN come out on top. In fact, I believe I already have. I have gained new experiences and knowledge and many good friends! God has put people in my path that can help me through this. God doesn't want us to hurt. He let's us for our own good , but he does love us. I just take peace knowing that God has promised me better things in life and that I am going to heal from this and be a better woman for it. He has promised me that someday I will know why this had to happen, but right now is not that time. So I'm marching on with my head held high. Not by myself but with the Lord by my side :) (Wow, maybe I should be a poet... not)